I have always been too trusting, after this happened to me I looked at myself and realized I had zero boundaries hell I didn’t even know what they were and I have paid dearly with my life for that. Boundaries are so important it draws the line on how we let others treat us. I would bet almost all that this has happened to didn’t have much in the way of boundaries in place. You decide how you want to be treated from now on by others and you draw a line on what you will except from others and what you will not and no matter how hard it is you remove anyone who crosses the line with you. Do not except poor treatment from anyone ever again. Do this with your head not your heart.
Does it ever get better? seems to be the one question we all ask at some point in all this. usually when the pain is so bad we don’t think we can take any more. remember this, through pain is growth, without it we would never change and to change is exactly what we need. the best way to get well from a relationship with someone with ASPD is to educate yourself on the disorder and learn about the forms of manipulation and abuse. the more you know the better you will understand what has happened to you and why you feel as bad as you do. read everything you can get your hands on. you also need some kind of support with others and or a therapist who specializes in personality disorders, be careful if they dont they can cause you even more damage. any therapist who tells you to get over it is not going to be a good fit. walk away and find another one your paying for this service make sure you get your moneys worth. many of us have made it with just using support groups like this. you need validation and to know your not losing your mind like so many of us have felt we are. the most important thing i think you can learn to help yourself is to learn about and build boundaries. most of us empaths let other people treat us like crap and that has to stop. make a list of what treatment from ANYONE you will no longer accept and put that into action. let NO ONE cross those lines you put up ever again. by doing this you will change your life and the people you allow in it from now on. this is so important that you do this and follow through with the boundaries you put up for yourself. you will gain self respect and self love by doing this action. read daily affirmations that are positive and stay no contact as much as you possibly can if you dont have children with them then you shouldnt be communicating with them , not if you want to get well. if you do have to see them because of your kids keep conversations limited to only regarding your children , they dont need to know whats going on in your life keep it impersonal. by doing thse things your life will get better and the pain will subside but you must be pro active in your healing it wont just happen by itself so the sooner you get to work the sooner you will feel better. don’t get me wrong sounds easy but its very hard work and no one can do it for you you must walk this path by yourself. i wish you all love, light and healing.
“I’m going to tell you what a demon once told me: It is okay to want your own happiness. It’s okay to care about yourself the most. It’s okay to do what’s healthy for YOU. When someone hits you, it’s okay to hit back and then ask them what the hell they expected. It’s okay. You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you. You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy. You’re human, and you have the right to say ‘That was shitty of you.’ You have a right to say ‘Let me feed that back to you; tell me, how does it taste?’ You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.”
so many ask this question,how, how could this have happened to me? because they are master manipulators that’s how don’t be hard on yourself. like a lot of us this will be a changing point in your life. a moment of clarification and you will see things you never saw before. its like be awakened. once you know your mind wont except this type of behavior anymore, well if you apply your knowledge to healing yourself and changing the way you see abuse. which usually follows after you realize this is not ok or exceptable to you as a human being. we all have made this mistake, trusting people we shouldn’t have trusted especially with our lives. yes its very painful but this truth will set you free.
dont ever let another person define who you are !!! yes you are a target when you have a low sense of self worth its what they look for that and kindness, empathy , everything they are not. you regain self love by putting boundaries in place and using them. you dont stand around and question things anymore. if something feels off you remove yourself from the equation. like red flags, when you see them as a warning and act accordingly you are less likely to be victimized. its about coming out of victim mode and believing in yourself and that takes time and life experience, give yourself the time !!! i believe to heal you need 3 things. 1. education of the subject 2. support from others who have been there. 3. time. believe in yourself not what some dumb jerk said about you. they are wrong. you are a good person and the universe is trying to teach you a very important lesson.
I WROTE THIS IN 2013 ON ANOTHER BLOG.
AFTER THE RELATIONSHIP WITH A SOCIOPATH
after having a relationship with a sociopath you will never be the same person you once were. Like your life is over and that you are damaged for ever but with time and healing and education you will see that it has made you a stronger person and so much wiser to the fact that there are bad people in the world. you will learn to spot these people from the start, maybe not the second you meet them but even then there are red flags that will start going off in your head and you have learned to pay attention to your instincts now and you will see that things are not matching up with what they say and what they actually do. it is like you have been given the insight of intuition beyond any thing you had before. in a way it will be like you have been given a new gift. your eyes will be opened and at first it seems like you can see them everywhere, in your friends, in your own family members sometimes and especially on the internet. be very aware of the dangers of online dating because it is a playground for sociopaths and they are all over the internet. fake profiles, scammers and people who lie. people who pretend to be something they are not. you will learn to pay attention to that little voice in your head. and you will learn to use it. YOU WILL FIND THROUGH THIS EXPERIENCE YOU ARE LEFT WITH A GIFT, THE GIFT OF INTUITION AND YOU WILL LEARN TO LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY TO IT.
I think one of the key words here is dating!!!! don’t go out looking for a new relationship, don’t go out with just one person and don’t get to close. there is nothing wrong with dating and your healing continues on through this process so don’t go jump into a long term relationship right away. i have talked to a few people here and it happened to me to, i have only dated 2 men but both of them were a lot like what I would consider personality disordered, so take your time and really get to know the person, watch very closely if the red flags are there you will see them. follow your gut and your intuition its always right. its not that uncommon that you attract the same kind of men again s don’t get discouraged, yes it hurts but you learn to follow your instincts and then you begin to change not allowing these kind of men in your life anymore. it took me a year before I even considered dating but that’s just me.
you break the cycle by stopping the behavior. give yourself time alone. don’t be with anyone for awhile. that is were you will grow and find your true self. after you break up with a narcissist the odds are that you will meet another one. if you learn what they are you can tell very quickly when you meet them. but you really have to learn that’s why they say to read read read. give yourself boundaries of what you will tolerate and what you wont and don’t ever cross the line . be true to yourself and you will break the cycle.
a friend and i were just talking about removing people and there drama from your life and how peace is your reward. it can be hard for you to say no to people but this is something you must learn to do. most of us empaths find it hard to say no, we do things we dont want to do for others because they try to manipulate us into thinking we aren’t being a good friend or some other emotional black mail. one of the lessons to be learned in this experience is how you use your boundaries for yourself protection and your life. i never had any boundaries in place my whole life until recently. i was continually walked on and used. its a horrible feeling, causes you stress and destroys your self esteem. be done, take your peace back. if someone is trying to manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to be doing, really think about what your actions will bring you. is it something you want to be doing, are you helping or enabling the other person? most times youll see its just enabling them so they can get what they want. do they care about how you feel about what your doing? its one thing to be kind , another to be used. you and your feelings come first. you matter. if someone is taking advantage of your kindness say no and be firm. remove these emotional blood suckers from your life. by doing so you will grow and change how you see yourself. put your boundaries up in place and dont budge no matter what they say about you. taking care of you is your job no one else s make sure you remember that you come first. then peace will come from inside you not from any body else. that is true peace…….